Shane’s partner here… Yes I can imagine not having the funds set aside for the potential expenses of your partner being murdered. People act like porn companies operated with perfect integrity and gave their models residuals and shit or something.
ill also add that he had plenty to show for his tenure in the industry and what he did with the opportunities it provided him, i just may not have been financial security. But I guess if that’s the only metric one’s worth and contribution to the world is measured by then I too have little to show for it.
the memorial happened. I battle with depression but I have to own that after announcing the date for it I did nothing to bring awareness to it or organize appropriately. I could make excuses like how it fell entirely on me to do it and his brother wanted to change the date and his mom was In the middle of a divorce and wasn’t going to make whatever date I picked anyways, but the truth is that I was so broken I spent nearly two months sitting in my car, barely working enough to feed myself, just in silence parked anywhere I MIGHT not be disturbed or questioned why I was just sitting in my car. I kept the date because i didn’t want anyone who had made note and planned the effort of coming down to San Diego for it to have to change those plans despite wanting to push it back another month or two to give myself more time to pull my head out of my ass and honor him like he deserved. Two people showed up, and a third went to the wrong location 35 miles away. And it was my fault that it was such a disaster and he deserved better than that.
(the money raised that didn’t get used for cremation went mostly to his mom, fyi)
And Since I’ve already lost him and have nothing left to lose, I’m gonna just go ahead and say it: it wasn’t an accidental overdose. He was murdered and I am doing everything I can to get justice.
Two years ago he and I were witness to the murder of a kid named Nikko. It happened in the alley behind a drug dealers house we had gone to potentially procure a phone for Shane through (wish I could say we had drugs to show for this but nope nothing), in the passenger seat of Shane’s car while the kid we had met 24 hours slept. The kid had stolen from the dealer and the murderer respectively, and thelatter came out slit his femoral artery with a level of giddy joy I’d rather sooner forget.
we were told “you better get rid of him quick or his problems are going to become yours.”
Shane tried to rush him to the emergency room but was pulled over running red lights on the way there. He was handcuffed and Nikko, unresponsive and “non compliant”, was summarily tossed onto the pavement out of the vehicle where his when the police finally realized Shane repeating “my friend needs help” meant “my friend needs help”.
We both got held for questioning and the murderer was arrested and charged but has been out on bail since nearly that long ago.
he and I were threatened not to speak, I lost my housing and he and I went on the road together largely to hide from retaliation.. Hotel hoping is expensive, and not having stable housing played a major roll for both of us in our abilities to heal from everything.
the trial is finally coming in two weeks for Nikko’s murder and I don’t know if my testimony is what the prosecution needs to hold his murderer accountable.
Shane was killed because he was intending to speak up, where as I told the police to go fuck themselves
And now because of all of this I know what pooling looks like, what finding your partner dead feels like, what having to tell their mom that you couldn’t save her baby boy feels like…
I don’t care if anyone believes me or not, but Shane was killed and the people accountable will get what’s coming to them…
