edjames

Two for the price of one....enjoy and keep laughing! HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one, - and I can't wait! -------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man. -------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive. ---------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband. -------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked. -------------------------------------------------------------- DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 1600 lives. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Grammar - The Importance of a tiny space ! A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. Boss's wife read the email and filed for divorce. The email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired it and you fulfi lled my wish. Thanks a lot" Moral: A "space" is an essential part in English.

The Jewish Elbows A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in.. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ......... "What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?" _______________________________________________ Wise Italian Grandfather An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "? ____________________________________________________ Irish blonde... An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..... but all men...are men!

Proof Some Men Need Sensitivity Training: * I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! * The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy. * Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. * The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. * A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead!" The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!" * I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." * My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back. * The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway. * I was approached by a lady who asked me to buy a raffle ticket for a Russian orphan. I said hell no! With my luck I’d win one!

Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?' She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, 'No.' Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, 'You finish?' Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, 'No.' Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together in passionate screams. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Struggling for the strength to now just turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, 'You finish?' Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, 'No, I Norwegian.'

An oldie but goodie. One for the raod. I'm off on vacation... The Irish Golfer A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life. A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. " When I need cash, I just reach into my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills. I didn't even know they were there!" "I did that fer ye also." said the Leprechaun. "And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK." "C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week do ye have sex?" Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock."That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish!"

I saw the production at the Rattlestick during it's first go around. I'm sure you will like it. I've only heard good reactions from thoses that have seen it since. Enjoy! You might want to check my original post: http://www.companyofmen.org/showthread.php?92449-Buyer-amp-Cellar ED

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. So I say to the man: "Sean, you're supposed to turn your clock back".

Retirement Dinner A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'... Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: 'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.' Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks......Dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra......No one says a word. He then reaches over and fondles her breasts.....still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, while the mother is pleasantly beaming. But still.... Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his new bike, stands up and pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. The petrified father suddenly jumps up and shouts, "Okay, okay, you win, I'll do the fuckin' dishes."

A lady helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he'll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects: mypenis. As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria! The computer had replied: TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance" says the man. "It's 3:00 in the morning". He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asks his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not. It's 3:00 in the morning and pouring rain out there". "Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember 3 months ago when our car broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" "God loves drunk people too". The man does as he is told, gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out in the dark "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please", comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.

Welcome back jackhammer! hope you had a terrific vacation. here's one for your return.. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2013: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! And finally.... 9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

They Walk Among Us... Our society is doomed.............. I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 I said "May I have large bills, please" She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.... IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.' This was at the Ford dealership in Canton,MS IDIOT SIGHTING We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.' We haven't used Sears repair since. IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. IDIOT SIGHTING I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' From Kingman , KS IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. -- From Kansas City IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened in Birmingham , Ala. IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS IDIOT SIGHTING At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a lunch at Texas Instruments. IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less. IDIOT SIGHTING How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a" Leah?? NO Lee - A?? NOPE Lay - a?? NO Lei?? Guess Again. This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha". When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent." SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent. STAY ALERT! They walk among us......and they VOTE.

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!" "You're on!" said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 note. So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !"

This is truly "politically incorrect" but kinda funny... A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...'You want........ garlic chicken wif snow peas?

At the National Art Gallery in Warsaw, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of Africans in American in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, an old gentleman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I am the artist who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no Africans depicted at all. They're just three Polish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! ___________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. _______________________________________________________ COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. ________________________________________________________ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. _____________________________________________________________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. ___________________________________________________________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) ___________________________________________________________ Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?" ____________________________________________________________ Children Are Quick TEACHER: Why are you late? STUDENT: Class started before I got here. ____________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I Love this child) ____________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. ' MILLIE: I is.. TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.' MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________ TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. ______________________________ TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his? CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog. (I want to adopt this kid!!!) ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher __________________________________ PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE SMILE... Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

COPING WITH OBAMACARE MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello." ''Mrs. Sanders, please." ''Speaking." ''Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way, the results are not too good." ''What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV(AIDS). We can't tell which is which.." ''That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but Obamacare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." ''Well, what am I supposed to do now?" ''The folks at Obamacare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

The nice Jewish mother-in-law comes over and finds her son-in-law furious, and packing his suitcase. "What happened"?? She asks. Eli screamed, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage. I'm leaving!" "Calm down!" says the mother-in-law. "There's something odd about this story. My Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said that there must be a simple explanation. Rachel never received your email"!

A crowded flight is cancelled, and a frazzled agent must rebook a long line of inconvenienced travelers by herself. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushes to the front and demands to be on the next flight, first class. The agent replies, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first." The passenger screams, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?" The gate agent grabs her public address microphone, "May I have your attention, please? We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17." The man grits his teeth, "Screw you." She replies, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

Here one for hump day! A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. "He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. And then asks," What's your occupation?" "I'm a Lady of the night," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have yo do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." *"Chicken Farmer it is."*

A friend of mine has just told me he's banging his girlfriend AND her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a mustache."

Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what?

A widowed Jewish lady, in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton , Florida .. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted? The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"