Courage and shame in sexual assault?

[Guest]

When I was 12, my gym teacher wrestled me to the ground, grabbed my crotch, and tried to take off my gym pants and underpants, but I was able to escape and leave (he had gotten me alone in a room). I told my mother the same day, and spoke about this to the vice principal a day or two later. It never occurred to me that I was being courageous, nor that I had anything to be ashamed of. I just felt I had a duty to report this.

I was just taken out of his class--to my knowledge, the gym teacher was never disciplined, though this was in the 70s. It wasn't until my 20th high school reunion that I found out he did this with other boys. I wonder how many people may have reported it, and if I'd have been a victim if enough people had spoken up. I just have a hard time wrapping myself around the idea that someone who reports a sexual assault is showing great courage. I'm wondering if any of you, or someone you know, has also been a victim of sexual assault, and whether this resulted in any feelings of shame, or courage/pride in reporting the assailant. If so, where do these feelings come from? In my mind, I'd done nothing wrong, and my assailant was 100% the guilty party, so I have a hard time understanding where guilty feelings would come from.

[+ FreshFluff]

I am sorry this happened to you and that the school ignored the report, allowing him to keep doing it.

 

The guilt might come the idea that the person’s life might be ruined, and that the one action he took doesn’t merit that. Of course, in many cases, the guy is a repeat offender.

[+ FreshFluff]

BTW, even if you didn't feel fear, it took a lot of courage to report what that teacher did at age 12. The vice principal might not believe you, might say you were angry at the teacher because he had disciplined you, etc.

 

That fact that you were immediately removed from his class makes me wonder if you weren't the first to come forward.

[rvwnsd]

It pains me to hear that you were molested by a teacher. These are people that are supposed to watch over their students, not take advantage of them. Based on what you told us, your mother must have been very supportive in general for you to have told her what happened and for her to act in the way she did. The school administration, on the other hand, pales in comparison. He should have been disciplined.

 

While I think it does take courage to report this type of behavior, I do not think that saying nothing is a sign of cowardice.

[+ WilliamM]

In my mind, I'd done nothing wrong, and my assailant was 100% the guilty party, so I have a hard time understanding where guilty feelings would come from.

 

Have a bit of empathy for men or women who may have reacted differently (especially to a more prolonged sexual assault).

[Rudynate]

I suspect that's the way courage is. It doesn't occur to you in the moment that you are being courageous. You just see what needs to be done and you do it, like you did.

[marylander1940]

In my mind, I'd done nothing wrong, and my assailant was 100% the guilty party, so I have a hard time understanding where guilty feelings would come from.

 

Have a bit of empathy for men or women who may have reacted differently (especially to a more prolonged sexual assault).

 

Exactly: "he/she got drunk", "she was dressed like a slut", "why did he/she go alone to another room with him?", "he/she was there without parental knowledge", "Why Elizabeth Smart didn't escape?", etc. Prof. Ford hasn't been Monday quaterbacked but we all know it's on the play book. Besides is not only guilt but also a feeling of shame and the need to move on if that's even possible.

 

I don't know how I would have reacted at 12 or at any age if my teacher had attacked me the way he did to @Unicorn I wonder how many others tried to escape and couldn't or at first didn't even know what was going on. This all reminds of Jerry Sandasky and JoePa's coverage.

Edited September 30, 2018 by marylander1940

[+ quoththeraven]

You aren't obviously part of a group (women and girls) that is constantly told is inferior to others (men), dependent on others (men), and whose social standing is dependent on ensuring the comfort of others (men and women, in this case). (Contrary to popular belief, gayness isn't necessarily obvious.)

 

My response would be similar to yours, but that's because I have never bought into any of this. I'm willing to be confrontational and disliked. I am not scared of men. Men should be scared of me. I consider this being me, not being courageous. But coming forward after the fact is courageous because as a society we treat survivors of rape, molestation and harassment like crap.

 

If your teacher had been willing to fight you, there's nothing you could have done about it. He decided it was not worth it to him. Furthermore, it can be argued that your parents being satisfied with keeping you away from him was a factor in him being able to victimize others. But doing that would have required courage and the willingness to endure social disapprobation when it wasn't certain whether it would do any good. In other words, the courage required to come forward.

Edited October 6, 2018 by quoththeraven