Anybody else fall for the men they hire?

[Rgsnva]

Just wondering if anybody else does this dumb thing or if it’s just me.  I only started hiring about 3 years ago, but I can see a pattern. (Okay, only twice, but still…). When I hire a man repeatedly because there’s great intimacy (at least from my perspective, I start to lose my grip on the reality and develop feelings.  I misread cues and think there’s a mutual thing developing.  Then the reality has to hit home that I’m not a romantic interest or even a hookup interest and I wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t paying. The man I currently see regularly - he pushes all my buttons physically and emotionally, and I could fall head over heels for him.  But I see him in rooms with guys who are hookups, not clients, and he talks about trips in which he meets someone in a room, they chat and are hot for each other, and travel to meet.  And it has to hit me then that I’m not one of those guys he met because he was attracted to them.  Big blow on both my ego and my heart.  Anybody else? Thoughts? Suggestions? And you don’t need to tell me it’s all my own fault - I already own that.  

[+ nycman]

32 minutes ago, Rgsnva said:

Just wondering if anybody else does this dumb thing or if it’s just me.

We’ve all done it to one degree or another. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but do learn from your mistakes.

32 minutes ago, Rgsnva said:

I start to lose my grip on the reality and develop feelings.

Feelings are ok. Losing grip on reality is not. It’s a fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less.

32 minutes ago, Rgsnva said:

I misread cues and think there’s a mutual thing developing.

You have always been and will always be wrong when you think "a mutual thing" is developing. 

32 minutes ago, Rgsnva said:

I wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t paying.

This really shouldn’t be a newsflash for you. Still, don’t let it ruin your fun. Learn to enjoy the fantasy.

32 minutes ago, Rgsnva said:

But I see him in rooms with guys who are hookups

What rooms? Where? Are you stalking him?
I hope I’m misreading this statement because it sounds creepy and unhealthy as fuck. 

32 minutes ago, Rgsnva said:

Big blow on both my ego and my heart.

 

32 minutes ago, Rgsnva said:

Anybody else? Thoughts? Suggestions?

You need to remember that this is a "hobby". It’s not real life. Don’t let your heart get involved. If you start developing real feelings for a provider, I suggest you disclose that to them immediately. Then stop seeing them. He may be fond of you. He may even "like" you. But in the words of Avenue Q, he doesn’t "like you, like you, like you like him". I know it hurts, and yes most if not all of us have had to go through the difficult phase you’re going through right now. The good news is, if you can learn to navigate it and stay in control of your emotions, this hobby can be damn fun. Like REAL fun. But if you need or want love, look somewhere else. You’re fishing in the wrong pond. 

Edited June 14 by nycman

[Rgsnva]

12 minutes ago, nycman said:

We’ve all done it to one degree or another. Don’t beat yourself up about it, but do learn from your mistakes.

Feelings are ok. Losing grip on reality is not. It’s a fantasy. Nothing more, nothing less.

You have always been and will always be wrong when you think "a mutual thing" is developing. 

This really shouldn’t be a newsflash for you. Still, don’t let it ruin your fun. Learn to enjoy the fantasy.

What rooms? Where? Are you stalking him?
I hope I’m misreading this statement because it sounds creepy and unhealthy as fuck. 

 

You need to remember that this is a "hobby". It’s not real life. Don’t let your heart get involved. If you start developing real feelings for a provider, I suggest you disclose that to them immediately. Then stop seeing them. He may be fond of you. He may even "like" you. But in the words of Avenue Q, he doesn’t "like you, like you, like you like him". I know it hurts, and yes most if not all of us have had to go through the difficult phase you’re going through right now. The good news is, if you can learn to navigate it and stay in control of your emotions, this hobby can be damn fun. Like REAL fun. But if you need or want love, look somewhere else. You’re fishing in the wrong pond. 

Sorry, can’t figure out how to quote the part I want.

Re: rooms.  Actually I’m trying not to see him.  We both frequent the same chat rooms, telegram, etc.  (which I did before we met). 
Re: fishing.  I didn’t set out looking for it, but I didn’t stop it from happening either.  
Re: disclosure. I did tell them pretty quickly.  Ruined the whole thing for the first one because he read it as “meal ticket,” and it crashed after that.  This one, he’s clearly trying hard not to hurt my feelings (because he is a nice guy), but he’s also trying to be very direct about not having the same attraction or affection   

 

 

[Trick]

I had a very honest talk with a provider I’ve been seeing regularly.  I think it went  well.

Me: There have been things I wanted to say to you and ways I wanted to behave around you that I’m afraid might creep you out and turn you off.

Him:  I appreciate that regard and concern.  But you are free to speak and behave as openly and honestly as you are comfortable.  It does take alot to creep me out.  🤓 The only caveat I will offer is make sure you have firm understanding and control of your emotions.

Me:  I assure you, I know this is a fantasy.  A good one at that.

I promise you that I will never stalk you, I will not be the jealous possessive boyfriend. lol.

But in living out the fantasy,  I want to be able to say “I love you” and behave like I’m really “head over heels in love with you.”  I’m not saying the feeling is fake or real.  It is what it is… a fantasy.

Him: Feel free to be whoever and however you want to be  ☺️

[+ APPLE1]

I have never fallen for a provider. After reading stories here, I will be the first to say that I am lucky.

One thing that I wonder about your provider experiences is, how long are you engaging with them? Overnights, weekend, or vacations with a provider aren't MY thing for a number of reasons. I have to believe though, that longer hires create a greater risk of falling for a provider.

If you are hiring for longer periods, maybe hiring for shorter periods will allow you to still enjoy the hobby a bit, and not become quite so emotionally involved.

[Rgsnva]

Some overnights but not many. Usually 2-3, sometimes 4 hours.  But I keep going back when I like it - that’s probably accomplishing what you’re talking about.  I don’t want to be a one-and-done client, or a rushed 1 hour client either.  If it’s not obvious, I want all the pieces of this pie! lol

[Thelatin]

Heart ripped out, stomped on, spit on, rubbed into the dirt and pecked at by vultures.

But I’ll be fine lol.

It’s why I started seeing a larger variety, I can get overly possessive really quick.  Not one of my more attractive personality traits. 

[Muscleking]

9 hours ago, Rgsnva said:

Just wondering if anybody else does this dumb thing or if it’s just me.  I only started hiring about 3 years ago, but I can see a pattern. (Okay, only twice, but still…). When I hire a man repeatedly because there’s great intimacy (at least from my perspective, I start to lose my grip on the reality and develop feelings.  I misread cues and think there’s a mutual thing developing.  Then the reality has to hit home that I’m not a romantic interest or even a hookup interest and I wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t paying. The man I currently see regularly - he pushes all my buttons physically and emotionally, and I could fall head over heels for him.  But I see him in rooms with guys who are hookups, not clients, and he talks about trips in which he meets someone in a room, they chat and are hot for each other, and travel to meet.  And it has to hit me then that I’m not one of those guys he met because he was attracted to them.  Big blow on both my ego and my heart.  Anybody else? Thoughts? Suggestions? And you don’t need to tell me it’s all my own fault - I already own that.  

You’re not the only one mate, I’ve been going to the same masseur for 4 years and even though I’m married and can never actually have anything with this guy, a part of me has this fantasy that I’m the kind of guy he would actually go for in real life even though I know I’m far from that. But for me our time even though it’s only a massage is something I look forward to every time I hire him, it’s a break from my real life I suppose. And even though In the moment with him it all feels so real I know that as soon as I leave his place it’s all over and he becomes just a figure in my mind.. I don’t think anything is wrong with having the fantasy but I often remind myself that it’s not real so I stay in reality and not get to attached. 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

I don't think you should feel bad about this @Rgsnva but some of the suggestions here may be worth exploring. 

Americans are experiencing an unprecedented epidemic of loneliness. I don't know your situation, but the cultural moment lends itself to people wanting to feel loved and connected. This could make you more likely to invest emotionally in your relationship with a provider. 

In addition to the suggestions above, perhaps you can invest more time in developing and deepening your relationships with friends so you're less susceptible to putting all your eggs in this provider's basket. 

[+ JamesB]

I think most of us have fallen for a provider at some point or at least I like to think so to feel better about myself, LOL!.

In my case, it happened after a particularly hard breakup from an almost 10 year relationship. I was in a really bad place emotionally and returned to hiring as a coping mechanism to fill that void. Not the smartest decision I've ever made.

This particular provider pushed all the right buttons and really made me feel good. In my defense, he was excellent at manipulating me and played me like a master, but I don't place the blame on him since I should have known better. This went on for a little over a year. Deep down, I knew he was just playing me for money, but I chose to ignore the signs. As expected, I ended up paying for my mistake both financially and emotionally.

The financial loss was significant, but the emotional devastation was even harder to deal with. It took quite some time and professional help to recover but I learned my lesson.

[DWnyc]

5 hours ago, Thelatin said:

Heart ripped out, stomped on, spit on, rubbed into the dirt and pecked at by vultures.

But I’ll be fine lol.

It’s why I started seeing a larger variety, I can get overly possessive really quick.  Not one of my more attractive personality traits. 

You’re self aware - that blunts much of whatever downside there might be 

[DWnyc]

Many in the online hookup world have a policy of no repeats precisely for this reason - they don’t want to form relationships with people they meet this way yet a degree of fantasy can lead one or both to assume something is there or could be eventually. So nip it in the bud.

 

[DWnyc]

Clearly you have capacity and perhaps need for something missing in your life - but this is not the place to seek it. Invest time in online dating (not hookups) and out yourself out there. At worst you’ll be exactly where you are now. The hobby can perhaps give you an aspirational scenario of how things might be - and hopefully you can extract what’s realistic vs unlikely.

And remember the provider or anyone seeking others to hookup with regularly isn’t necessarily driven by the emotions you claim to feel. 

[blck37]

3 hours ago, JamesB said:

This particular provider pushed all the right buttons and really made me feel good. In my defense, he was excellent at manipulating me and played me like a master, but I don't place the blame on him since I should have known better. This went on for a little over a year. Deep down, I knew he was just playing me for money, but I chose to ignore the signs. As expected, I ended up paying for my mistake both financially and emotionally.

Echoing this. Lesson learnt hard way.

[Unonymous30xxx]

You are definitely not alone! I have questioned my sanity as well, especially when the provider has gone above and beyond what they are being paid for......

I'm curious what the providers perspective is, do you ever fall for clients?

[+ ThroatCummer]

I had an escort I hired fall for me. I'm typing this from our living room (actually, I moved into his place).  But that's a story I haven't told here, yet.  I will share, someday when the time is right. My hesitation to tell it is because it will give others false hope and my situation is really, really rare. I hired escorts so they would leave because I didn't want or have time for a relationship, but this one stuck around. lol. 

[musclestuduws]

6 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

I don't think you should feel bad about this @Rgsnva but some of the suggestions here may be worth exploring. 

Americans are experiencing an unprecedented epidemic of loneliness. I don't know your situation, but the cultural moment lends itself to people wanting to feel loved and connected. This could make you more likely to invest emotionally in your relationship with a provider. 

In addition to the suggestions above, perhaps you can invest more time in developing and deepening your relationships with friends so you're less susceptible to putting all your eggs in this provider's basket. 

Insightfully put @KensingtonHomo  I second his advice. I think it’s crucial that you @Rgsnva find ways to develop and deepen real and emotionally safe relationships with friends and family to avoid falling for a romantic fantasy that is just that, and a paid for fantasy for that matter. Maybe joining an interest group of some kind could help you to meet and make new friends while getting yourself busy attending fun social events. If you’re lucky enough to have a group of friends already, just deepen those relationships and spend more time with them. 

[Enzo Falcone]

It can happen, but it’s best to check in with yourself from time to time, like you seem to be doing already. 

I’ve had clients express that they were starting to develop feelings for me. I always met them with appreciation, saying that feelings is normal. This type of work is built on connection and intimacy for many, so it can get confusing at times. 

I also talk about their needs and what I provide. If during our time together their needs change, then the question of professional compatibility arises. If being with me causes you more harm than good, am I still providing what you want? 

It’s a tough question to ask yourself, but rather than look at it like “oh I’m doing this again” maybe looking at it more objectively can help frame what’s going on? Like “oh I’m finding that I have new needs popping up that this provider can’t deliver on. Maybe it’s time for me to change things up”. 

[Enzo Falcone]

6 hours ago, JamesB said:

I think most of us have fallen for a provider at some point or at least I like to think so to feel better about myself, LOL!.

In my case, it happened after a particularly hard breakup from an almost 10 year relationship. I was in a really bad place emotionally and returned to hiring as a coping mechanism to fill that void. Not the smartest decision I've ever made.

This particular provider pushed all the right buttons and really made me feel good. In my defense, he was excellent at manipulating me and played me like a master, but I don't place the blame on him since I should have known better. This went on for a little over a year. Deep down, I knew he was just playing me for money, but I chose to ignore the signs. As expected, I ended up paying for my mistake both financially and emotionally.

The financial loss was significant, but the emotional devastation was even harder to deal with. It took quite some time and professional help to recover but I learned my lesson.

I’m really sorry this happened to you, and I commend you for sharing it. 

[Sub boy]

Yes and sometimes that sucks. But after wasting most of my life on sex that I didn’t even realize was mediocre, now I’m literally having the best sex of my life and I will never give that up. I’m addicted to him and honestly I don’t care. The pleasure I experience HUGELY outweighs the reality that he’s only with me because I’m paying him.

[+ DrownedBoy]

Like you said:

"could fall head over heels for him"

I've met providers that I wished I could date....if there were fewer years between us. But glancing at my bank account throws cold water on any ideas like that.

(although I'm hoping to get a houseboy when I retire)

[soloyo215]

20 hours ago, Rgsnva said:

Just wondering if anybody else does this dumb thing or if it’s just me.  I only started hiring about 3 years ago, but I can see a pattern. (Okay, only twice, but still…). When I hire a man repeatedly because there’s great intimacy (at least from my perspective, I start to lose my grip on the reality and develop feelings.  I misread cues and think there’s a mutual thing developing.  Then the reality has to hit home that I’m not a romantic interest or even a hookup interest and I wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t paying. The man I currently see regularly - he pushes all my buttons physically and emotionally, and I could fall head over heels for him.  But I see him in rooms with guys who are hookups, not clients, and he talks about trips in which he meets someone in a room, they chat and are hot for each other, and travel to meet.  And it has to hit me then that I’m not one of those guys he met because he was attracted to them.  Big blow on both my ego and my heart.  Anybody else? Thoughts? Suggestions? And you don’t need to tell me it’s all my own fault - I already own that.  

I'va always been very protective of my emotions, especially when it comes to romance. I learned a lesson about that way back when I was a young man. Losing my self-esteem over pursuing a person who has o interest in me that way, but was capitalizing on my interest in him, that was not a great experience. However, it was a learning experience. Took me some time to understand that that's only certain type of men, and not all of us are opportunists. However, in my case it wasn't a for-pay situation. I volunteered helping him with way too many things without any thank you. It did not feel good at all, even if I was a good influence to him (that now he pretends never happened).

Hiring is something that, though I can trace to way back when (longer than what I thought), I never went with the mindset of connecting with the guy at an intimate level, at least not in the sense that will interest me in connecting with him outside of a client-provider relationship. I've been married for some time now, but even back when I wasn't I was always conscious that the possibility of developing a relationship with a person who I meet in this setting is remote.

My suggestion: Protect yourself. Protect your mental well-being, your self esteem and your wallet. High chances are that you might hurt yourself and qwound up broke, feeling like shit, and angry at both the provider and yourself. That can escalate into something darker. It has in come cases.

Edited June 14 by soloyo215

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

I can see how these things happen, but I'll also say that a wise escort will always read the signs and put up non-awkward relationship roadblocks.

[Rod Hagen]

9 hours ago, JamesB said:

This particular provider pushed all the right buttons and really made me feel good. In my defense, he was excellent at manipulating me and played me like a master, but I don't place the blame on him since I should have known better. This went on for a little over a year. Deep down, I knew he was just playing me for money, but I chose to ignore the signs. As expected, I ended up paying for my mistake both financially and emotionally.

I wanted to drill a bit deeper on this, because it relates to some things others have said.  So to you, James, and others,  I'm curious what the Escort's manipulating and/or playing-you looks like?  Where on the range is it from "treating you better than other escorts have during your sessions" to "Telling you he will forsake all other men for you if only (fill in the blank)"?

The second thing is when you, and others, say the Escort was just looking for money, do you mean, he was looking to keep you as a regular so you would keep paying his fee or do you mean he was looking for money/benefits above what you paid for your time together?  Thanks!

Edited June 14 by Rod Hagen

[+ nycman]

2 minutes ago, Rod Hagen said:

I wanted to drill a bit deeper on this

5 minutes ago, Rod Hagen said:

I'm curious what the Escort's manipulating and/or playing-you looks like?

What does it look like?….it’s simple really…

 

11 minutes ago, Rod Hagen said:

Where on the range is it from "treating you better than other escorts have during your sessions" to "Telling you he will forsake all other men for you if only (fill in the blank)"?

 

13 minutes ago, Rod Hagen said:

The second thing is when you, and others, say the Escort was just looking for money,

 

Ok, that was fun. In all seriousness, @Rod Hagen raises valid questions and points. Nonetheless, I think it’s incumbent on both parties to keep their feet on the ground and not let fantasies invade too far into reality. And yes, I’ve seen it go both ways. Hell hath no furry like whore who thought he was getting the house, only to be dumped on 10th Ave with a wad of $50’s. It’s a business relationship. And like all business relationships, it’s only really successful when both parties fully understand the terms and both parties are happy with said terms. 

Spoiler alert: the "terms" rarely involve the escort’s heart, and they almost never involve the John’s deed to the house.