Anybody else fall for the men they hire?

[Rudynate]

11 hours ago, FaustOust said:

The magician analogy proves the underlying truth about manipulation (which I imagine the providers here will not admit to.)  I dare say that, if he is trying to keep the client as a regular BFE, the provider WANTS the client to fall for him and have feelings but only enough to keep coming back. It’s unfortunate when the client is then blamed for being susceptible to the “magic” and goes past the boundary set by the escort, as some here have  implied.   Luring a client close to that boundary, perhaps even perilously so, appears to have been the whole intention of the provider all along.

Also, it seems that falling in love is presented here as a weakness of clients alone — a one way street — and providers are somehow above being burdened by such human frailty. I am curious to know if a provider would ever admit to loving a client.

It isn't voodoo for god's sake - the provider is just giving the client what he wanted.  Certainly, an escort could fall for a client, but it's unlikely because the escort isn't looking for romance.   Falling for a provider just seems adolescent to me.

 

 

[carolus]

i never have. sure, a really good fuck would make one tingle a bit for a few days afterwards, but never love. escorts are in it for money, so they're not for dating. 

[Thelatin]

I've gotten the "I only feel safe with you" comment from two different long term providers.  It's my money, home, cars, food, gym etc. that make you feel safe.  If you had all of that and I was never around....you'd probably feel just as safe.  I'm not biter lol.

[Enzo Falcone]

3 hours ago, Thelatin said:

I've gotten the "I only feel safe with you" comment from two different long term providers.  It's my money, home, cars, food, gym etc. that make you feel safe.  If you had all of that and I was never around....you'd probably feel just as safe.  I'm not biter lol.

Hey @Thelatin! I know that we have never spoken privately, met in person, or even exchanged photos, but I have to say.. I only feel safe with you! And not because of your money, home, cars, food, gym, and everything else. But just for fun.. how many cars are we talking? 

(just to make sure, this is a fun joking response! 😂)

[DGHou]

On 6/13/2024 at 9:35 PM, Rgsnva said:

Just wondering if anybody else does this dumb thing or if it’s just me.  I only started hiring about 3 years ago, but I can see a pattern. (Okay, only twice, but still…). When I hire a man repeatedly because there’s great intimacy (at least from my perspective, I start to lose my grip on the reality and develop feelings.  I misread cues and think there’s a mutual thing developing.  Then the reality has to hit home that I’m not a romantic interest or even a hookup interest and I wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t paying. The man I currently see regularly - he pushes all my buttons physically and emotionally, and I could fall head over heels for him.  But I see him in rooms with guys who are hookups, not clients, and he talks about trips in which he meets someone in a room, they chat and are hot for each other, and travel to meet.  And it has to hit me then that I’m not one of those guys he met because he was attracted to them.  Big blow on both my ego and my heart.  Anybody else? Thoughts? Suggestions? And you don’t need to tell me it’s all my own fault - I already own that.  

I have been hiring for over 30 years. At times I felt a twinge of emotion for a  provider or two. It could have turned into love on my part but I kept my wits about me. Fast forward to a few years ago. I met the best provider I have ever had.  I like twinks and his body fit that mold perfectly, although he was out of the twink age range. He is passionate, great kisser, very emotional in and out of bed, sparkling green eyes, etc. At times he would disappear when having what he would tell me was bad depression. I suffer from it too so when we would see each other again and talk about it I knew exactly where he was coming from. I also had the very best sex of my life with him, and I've been at this since I was quite young.  He overstayed a visa several years ago and is in the country illegally. A couple of years ago I offered to go thru the motions of presenting ourselves as a couple for awhile then marrying him so he could stay here. I told him he could continue escorting. He declined and that was fine.

Fast forward to this past April. He had taken trips to HI in February and March to see a couple he had met through RM a few years ago. He would always let me know when he was back and we would see each other for dinner, sex, movies, etc. with the usual financial relationship. In April he said the couple who had been together 20 years, married for 10, want him to move to HI and be with them.  (The couple is only 3 years apart in age and one was an escort when they met, then they became a couple)  When he told me my heart absolutely shattered. The first thing I said was "Does this mean I won't see you anymore?" and a tear fell out of the corner of my eye. It was then that I realized I had fallen in love with him awhile back and now I was losing him. 

I has taken 2 months for me to finally start moving past this. However, he texts and sends pics every couple of days which honestly is fine with me.  I care for him and after some of the things he has gone through in life (he's 33 now) he deserves this fun time. He looks better than I think I have ever seen him. But my heart is still broken. I told him I was sorry I lost sight of the fact that what he and I had was a business relationship, that while I think he does care for me the money was at the core of everything.  Just like it is for him now. They are providing him with shelter, food, clothing, taking him island hopping, etc.  When he told me he was moving he said that one of the couple had offered to divorce his husband and marry him so he could stay in the country legally,  It's not that simple and who knows if that was true or if this provider is so good at what he does the offer was made in a time of weakness.

OMG I am a windbag. The point of all of this is that he knew how I felt about him for the past couple of years. I asked several times if this was first and foremost a business relationship for him and he would never really answer. Looking back him doing that meant yes, it was. He and I shared a lot over the years.  I only wish he had been more honest with me when he knew I was falling for him and when I asked about our relationship being business.  I think a lot of providers don't want to be honest when given the opportunity because they are caring men.  IF they weren't caring they would not be in the business.  But for me it would have been better for him to have been honest when I asked about the relationship being all financial for  him rather than promise several times to see me 3 days before he was to move only to stand me up and ghost me.  That hurt much worse than if he had said he couldn't see me because he was being faithful to them, (whatever that means in a relationship with 3 or 4 men together who continue to hire providers) or that he had already left, or something rather than simply stand me up and ghost me.

[DGHou]

On 6/13/2024 at 9:35 PM, Rgsnva said:

Just wondering if anybody else does this dumb thing or if it’s just me.  I only started hiring about 3 years ago, but I can see a pattern. (Okay, only twice, but still…). When I hire a man repeatedly because there’s great intimacy (at least from my perspective, I start to lose my grip on the reality and develop feelings.  I misread cues and think there’s a mutual thing developing.  Then the reality has to hit home that I’m not a romantic interest or even a hookup interest and I wouldn’t be there if I wasn’t paying. The man I currently see regularly - he pushes all my buttons physically and emotionally, and I could fall head over heels for him.  But I see him in rooms with guys who are hookups, not clients, and he talks about trips in which he meets someone in a room, they chat and are hot for each other, and travel to meet.  And it has to hit me then that I’m not one of those guys he met because he was attracted to them.  Big blow on both my ego and my heart.  Anybody else? Thoughts? Suggestions? And you don’t need to tell me it’s all my own fault - I already own that.  

I now keep all provider relationships in the proper perspective as I look for a replacement for him

[PiSquared]

This topic hits home with me. First met with an RM guy in 2020. Very early in exploring my sexuality as a married and closeted bi man. I’m older- 57 at the time. Bad experience with fathers in my life and male schoolmates who teased me about my being different. To have this 30 something jock/hunk from RM treat me like I was special, show me things I’d never done, fulfilled fantasies I’d repressed? Who wouldn’t fall in love?! We met up a lot. Including overnights and a three day weekend. Texted. Supported one another. I was so happy. I should have drawn better boundaries but didn’t. When he got out of escorting I continued to reach out, hoping to remain friends, which violated his wishes. He’s now back escorting and wants nothing to do with me. I’m crushed. I hate myself for taking things too seriously with him, violating his boundaries, and am smart enough to have known better. But here we are. My point: you are not alone. We learn from these experiences. I’m here if you need to chat. 

[moonlight]

10 hours ago, DGHou said:

I think a lot of providers don't want to be honest when given the opportunity because they are caring men.  IF they weren't caring they would not be in the business. 

I wouldn't agree with that perspective, and I think that mindset will make you susceptible to this happening again in the future.

I would rephrase as: A lot of providers don't want to be honest because they are businessmen. Making you feel the way you feel is what they do to earn income, and is a skill.

You can't assume much about someone's personality or intentions based on their occupation only. You can't assume someone is "caring" because of what they do. All you can assume is they do what they do for money. What's the difference between a legitimately caring person and a charming sociopath? Most people probably can't tell the difference at first, if at all, and especially not when money is changing hands. That's why it's important to be clear with yourself what your boundaries are and stick to them.

I don't deny that there are legitimately caring providers out there; there certainly are. But if you think you have a special ability to fully know their motivations and intentions, you are deluding yourself and setting yourself up for that to happen again.

Edited June 20 by moonlight

[DGHou]

13 hours ago, moonlight said:

I wouldn't agree with that perspective, and I think that mindset will make you susceptible to this happening again in the future.

I would rephrase as: A lot of providers don't want to be honest because they are businessmen. Making you feel the way you feel is what they do to earn income, and is a skill.

You can't assume much about someone's personality or intentions based on their occupation only. You can't assume someone is "caring" because of what they do. All you can assume is they do what they do for money. What's the difference between a legitimately caring person and a charming sociopath? Most people probably can't tell the difference at first, if at all, and especially not when money is changing hands. That's why it's important to be clear with yourself what your boundaries are and stick to them.

I don't deny that there are legitimately caring providers out there; there certainly are. But if you think you have a special ability to fully know their motivations and intentions, you are deluding yourself and setting yourself up for that to happen again.

A very insightful perspective.  I am a businessman and I do what I do to have an income. However, selling widgets to a customer does not involve emotions.  

But I take your advice to heart and your analysis helps very much.  This is the first time I've gone thru this with a provider and I am surprised and disappointed in myself that I let this happen.

[blck37]

17 hours ago, DGHou said:

A very insightful perspective.  I am a businessman and I do what I do to have an income. However, selling widgets to a customer does not involve emotions.  

But I take your advice to heart and your analysis helps very much.  This is the first time I've gone thru this with a provider and I am surprised and disappointed in myself that I let this happen.

This might be uncommon but works for me. One of my non-sexual conditions to become my regular is me knowing (i) how his recent ex bf or current bf looks like physically and/ or (ii) the physical traits he would normally go for hook-up. Which 99.9% is far cry from how i look like. The aforesaid has kept me grounded to-date and stop me from having any delusional thought. Whilst I acknowledge feeling might grow beyond physical attribute when ppl spent much time together but IMHO, in a client-escort context, thats either trauma bonding or excellent service with a sprinkle of delusion lol

[Rod Hagen]

I don't know if this helps at all, but as I was reading these often sad tales of entanglements, it struck me that each one is a relationship. Non-escort relationships are often filled with drama and heartache too.   All of you who had your heart ripped out by an escort who liked you as well as relied on the assets that you have and he doesn't, just like you relied on his physical assets that you probably lack, that was a relationship--a dramatic Two-sided, don't believe it wasn't two-sided in many ways, relationship.  

Edited June 21 by Rod Hagen

[DGHou]

On 6/19/2024 at 2:05 PM, PiSquared said:

This topic hits home with me. First met with an RM guy in 2020. Very early in exploring my sexuality as a married and closeted bi man. I’m older- 57 at the time. Bad experience with fathers in my life and male schoolmates who teased me about my being different. To have this 30 something jock/hunk from RM treat me like I was special, show me things I’d never done, fulfilled fantasies I’d repressed? Who wouldn’t fall in love?! We met up a lot. Including overnights and a three day weekend. Texted. Supported one another. I was so happy. I should have drawn better boundaries but didn’t. When he got out of escorting I continued to reach out, hoping to remain friends, which violated his wishes. He’s now back escorting and wants nothing to do with me. I’m crushed. I hate myself for taking things too seriously with him, violating his boundaries, and am smart enough to have known better. But here we are. My point: you are not alone. We learn from these experiences. I’m here if you need to chat. 

I am so sorry you're hurting.  Some on here don't have patience for when something like this happens to one of us because we lost sight of what the arrangement is at it's core, work they get paid for and nothing else, and crossed boundaries when we knew better.  This was the only time it has happened to me.  I have only been on here a couple of weeks but this forum has helped me move on.

I saw other providers of course even when he was around but to me he was special. The guys here have help drive home the point I already knew:  it's merchandise that I am paying for, nothing else.  It has helped me keep perspective and also helped me look at his HI arrangement. Would he be there without them paying him?  Doubtful. My assumption has been that they are paying expenses so they can have sex whenever they want.  He pretty much confirmed that. But they may also actually be paying him for his time too with actual currency. I know nothing about that part of the arrangement. The forum has opened my eyes to that prospect of their arrangement and has helped tremendously.

You will get through this.  It gets better. Practice keeping first and foremost in your mind what the arrangement is for both of you and it will be easier.

[DWnyc]

12 hours ago, Rod Hagen said:

an escort who liked you as well as relied on the assets that you have and he doesn't, just like you relied on his physical assets that you probably lack,

A key part of all this   

And tbh replicated in the non-provider / client world as well, straight and gay in so many ways 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rod Hagen]

18 hours ago, DGHou said:

drive home the point I already knew:  it's merchandise that I am paying for, nothing else. 

Really?  So this attitude toward the escort subletting his youth, beauty and skills is ok, but his hopes of extra financial help and/or luxuries is shitty?  You guys, you guys, you guys. (again, this is not directed at the OP (and I shouldn't have to say that))

 

Edited June 22 by Rod Hagen

[DGHou]

On 6/14/2024 at 1:44 PM, ThroatCummer said:

I had an escort I hired fall for me. I'm typing this from our living room (actually, I moved into his place).  But that's a story I haven't told here, yet.  I will share, someday when the time is right. My hesitation to tell it is because it will give others false hope and my situation is really, really rare. I hired escorts so they would leave because I didn't want or have time for a relationship, but this one stuck around. lol. 

The couple that the provider I fell for left to be with met the same way 20 years ago. One was the escort and one was the client, which is interesting because there is only 3 years difference in their ages. Escort was 20 and client was 23 at the time.  They've been together 20 years, married for 10. 

[Rod Hagen]

23 hours ago, DGHou said:

The couple that the provider I fell for left to be with met the same way 20 years ago. One was the escort and one was the client, which is interesting because there is only 3 years difference in their ages. Escort was 20 and client was 23 at the time.  They've been together 20 years, married for 10. 

That is interesting.  Eventually, the home will be an escort menagerie with a hefty admission fee.  :-)

Seriously, it's uncommon for an escort to fall for a similarly-aged client, it's almost always an older, money'd, one they run away with, if they run away.  Takes all kinds for sure.  

[DGHou]

25 minutes ago, Rod Hagen said:

That is interesting.  Eventually, the home will be an escort menagerie with a hefty admission fee.  :-)

Seriously, it's uncommon for an escort to fall for a similarly-aged client, it's almost always an older, money'd, one they run away with, if they run away.  Takes all kinds for sure.  

Well, I would say that flying the provider I fell for from the mainland to HI a few times, then one of the couple coming here to be with said provider for a month staying in a hotel, providing shelter, food, clothing, island hopping, catamaran cruise, etc, etc is a pretty hefty admission fee they are paying.  But the provider is an extremely sexual being and likes to get as much sex as he can so it's probably working out well for everyone.

Before he left he said that he thought this would be his new life from now on.  Just wondering if it will last.  .......and if he keeps in touch with me for support if it falls apart.

[+ purplekow]

33 minutes ago, DGHou said:

 

Before he left he said that he thought this would be his new life from now on.  Just wondering if it will last.  .......and if he keeps in touch with me for support if it falls apart.

When you stop wondering what his future holds and what your role in that future. might be, that is when you can consider yourself on the path to be overing him.  Right now, you are still pining for what was always a delusional  fantasy for you and a job for him.   You are not alone in having travelled this path, but recognize where you are.  

 

 

Edited Tuesday at 04:05 PM by purplekow

[BonVivant]

On 6/20/2024 at 5:52 AM, moonlight said:

Making you feel the way you feel is what they do to earn income, and is a skill.

Truth. 100%. And we all actively participate in the charade. It’s easy to lose sight of the game. I have done it; guilty. But after a couple of hard thwacks, I think I learnt my lesson.  I better have. 

[BonVivant]

10 hours ago, DGHou said:

Just wondering if it will last.

It almost never ever lasts. But there can be (and have been) exceptions. 

[BonVivant]

10 hours ago, purplekow said:

Right now, you are still pining for what was always a delusional  fantasy for you and a job for him.   You are not alone in having travelled this path, but recognize where you are.

This hits the 🎯.  It’s the truth. It can be a bitter 💊.  

[DGHou]

22 hours ago, purplekow said:

When you stop wondering what his future holds and what your role in that future. might be, that is when you can consider yourself on the path to be overing him.  Right now, you are still pining for what was always a delusional  fantasy for you and a job for him.   You are not alone in having travelled this path, but recognize where you are.  

 

 

Thanks. I am really glad to see others have been in the same situation. I have seen a new provider who I really like in the sense that he is cute and nice to be around. We spend time together out of the bedroom too. The refrain in my head is virtually a constant "He's doing this for the money. Not that he doesn't enjoy your company. This is a business transaction. Just like paying for that wonderful Indian food you enjoyed the other night" 😀 

This new one is trying to buy a car.  After our last time together he told me he thought he had enough $, hence no login to RM by him for a week nor response to my text yesterday offering to help him navigate getting it registered. And I am, surprisingly, fine with it.

[MikeBiDude]

24 minutes ago, DGHou said:

hence no login to RM by him for a week nor response to my text yesterday offering to help him navigate getting it registered

You’re starting down the road again….

[DGHou]

32 minutes ago, MikeBiDude said:

You’re starting down the road again….

Haha.  No I actually am not. My only offer for help is because he is just learning English and has never had to register a car in this state.  He does have friends who can help and are bilingual.  That has been the direction in which I am steering him.  

[+ KensingtonHomo]

1 hour ago, DGHou said:

I have seen a new provider who I really like in the sense that he is cute and nice to be around. We spend time together out of the bedroom too. The refrain in my head is virtually a constant "He's doing this for the money. Not that he doesn't enjoy your company. This is a business transaction. Just like paying for that wonderful Indian food you enjoyed the other night" 😀 

 

I feel like there's a way to maintain emotional boundaries without comparing people to take out. 

I believe I suggested this earlier but is there a reason you're not pursuing a romantic relationship with someone? I'm in a different situation as I'm married and only hire with my husband, so there's no chance or anyone catching feelings. Our hiring happens inside of our marriage not outside of it. 

But if I were single, perhaps I'd find myself in your situation. However, I love being married and would want that over all the escorts in the world. So perhaps if you were dating someone you'd have those emotional needs met and be less likely to project them onto a provider.