Provider Boundaries

[DGHou]

I'm fairly new here but have commented under a couple of other topics about a provider around whom I let my guard down and fell for him. A couple of months ago told me he was moving to Hawaii to be the third with a couple that had been together 20 years, married for 10.  My heart has been pretty broken but I am working my way through it.

Part of what has helped has been all the guys here commenting on my situation, supporting me and helping to open my eyes to the fact that, no matter how passionate he was when we were together, whether in bed or not, it is a job for him and mostly, if not all, about the money.  The guys he is with are putting a roof over his head, feeding him, taking him island hopping, beach, sailboat rides, dinners out, etc.  So while they are not putting money directly in his hands they are paying for his sexual encounters.  I have been trying to figure out how I let my guard down and why all of this hurts. Just this morning a thought came to me about this situation and I would like some feedback from both clients and providers.

Before he made the move he went to visit HI a time or two and when he came back he would always contact me.  Each time he looked so much better: healthier and happier than before.  He struggles with some depression issues like I do and there have been several times in the past he would contact me and we would just talk.  He shared the couples' names, the story of when they first hired him a couple of years ago, showed me pictures of them. When he left I asked him to stay in touch and let me know how his life is going.  Hence the boundaries question.

He texts me fairly often sharing pictures of the three of them and a fourth who is a local playmate of the couple's. Pics have been of dinners, the three of them at the beach and on a sailboat ride, etc.  He has told me what a great time he is having and how good the sex is with the 2 or 3 of them and shared some details. He even sent me the location pin with the address where they are living and pictures of the house.  I asked if the couple knows about me and that we are in touch.  No answer from him at all, which I assume means no especially since his texts come in short batches then he's quiet for some time. Maybe he's texting when he has a few private moments?  A few weeks before he was to move one of them was here. He told me he wanted to see me before he moved but couldn't until after a certain date when the other was going back to HI. My guy was to follow in a few days.  We made plans but then he stood me up and ghosted me.  When I finally heard from him the other guy did not leave as planned but waited until they could go to HI together. 

My question is is what he is doing not crossing some boundaries regarding the couple? And why would he share so much with me yet not tell me if the couple knows about me and our communications?  Could he be keeping me "on the line" in case this throuple plus one relationship goes south and he figures I will be here for him?  I know none of you know him, me or the couple but any insight would be appreciated.  While I am 32 years his senior at 65 and they are only 7 and 10 years his senior I'm a caring, successful and pretty decent looking older guy. I am hoping some input from this community might help me move on and my heart to heal.  Thanks, guys 😊

[NYXboy]

1 hour ago, DGHou said:

My question is is what he is doing not crossing some boundaries regarding the couple?

You have ZERO clue as to what the boundaries are in his relationship. 

 

"Could he be keeping me "on the line" in case this throuple plus one relationship goes south and he figures I will be here for him? "

YES. 

Have you had sex with him without paying? If the answer is no, then you are a client.

 

People always develop relationships in business and stakeholders. That doesn't make it romantic. I text my hairdresser funny memes sometimes. It's still a client/provider relationship.  

I'm saying this in the most gentle way possible - MOVE ON. 

Edited June 20 by NYXboy

[MikeH10]

i don't believe in creating attachments. thats why i use a different accountant each year to do my taxes

[+ JamesB]

My advice to you is to move on, and that won’t be possible if you keep in contact with this provider. Avoid seeing or communicating with him. You don’t need to be rude, but let him know that you need time for yourself and won’t be in touch for a while. Then block him completely for at least six months to give yourself enough time to heal. A therapist or counselor can provide guidance and strategies for coping with your emotions. Focus on yourself, reconnect with activities you enjoy or try something new. Join clubs, take classes, or volunteer to meet new people and expand your social circle. Concentrate on personal and professional goals to give yourself a sense of direction and purpose. Healing takes time, so be patient with yourself during this process. Focus on the present and the future rather than dwelling on what could have been. Remember, moving on is a gradual process, but with time and self-care, you will come out stronger and more resilient.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I have liked and cared about people in prior jobs. I still think about clients I talked to on the phone for 9 years and never saw in person, hoping they are well.  But caring and looking someone is not the same as loving them in a way you are hoping for.  He sounds like a super guy, a great escort, but try not to confuse that.  

[DGHou]

16 hours ago, NYXboy said:

You have ZERO clue as to what the boundaries are in his relationship. 

 

"Could he be keeping me "on the line" in case this throuple plus one relationship goes south and he figures I will be here for him? "

YES. 

Have you had sex with him without paying? If the answer is no, then you are a client.

 

People always develop relationships in business and stakeholders. That doesn't make it romantic. I text my hairdresser funny memes sometimes. It's still a client/provider relationship.  

I'm saying this in the most gentle way possible - MOVE ON. 

Yes I have had sex with him without paying.

The point I was clumsily trying to make was that I have always assumed discretion was part of the arrangement between escort & client. That's what the majority of escorts promise. I am just puzzled why he shares so much with me about his life with them when he has never shared about other clients, and why he doesn't say yes or no to my question if they know we are still in touch.

You are right about moving on. People come and go in our lives. Why should it really matter to me what an escort/prost***te does?

[+ WilliamM]

Provider should not bring party favors and  freshly baked pies to an amazing wedding after the appointment 

His mind will be a bit distracted 

 

Happens to me

[Other Mouse]

I’d also say, you/we don’t know that he views the couple as clients.  Not to say the relationship is or isn’t completely financial, but it doesn’t sound the same as RM clients.

Anyway, trying to figure it out won’t help you to move on.  Hope you find peace.

[Andy768]

To quote the great professor Charles Xavier:

Mutant...

Mutant...

I feel your pain.

Let me help you:

In order for you to heal, you must forget.

It's kind of a joke, but it's also not. I get it. But I think you just have to let it go (i.e., let him go). 💔

[+ KensingtonHomo]

I agree with others here who have said you have to move on. It's not healthy for you to continue this relationship. 

Further understanding their dynamic will not ease your mind or lessen the pain. He made his choice, and - frankly - I cannot see a reason for him to keep engaging you unless it's as a fallback if this doesn't work out, even if he's not doing it consciously and does like you. 

If you're looking for a partner or someone you can have a future with, it won't be someone you meet through escorting. 65 isn't old even if it's "ancient" in the "gay community." You definitely seem caring, though perhaps you need better boundaries (as do many of us). There are many single men in your age cohort. And as a good looking and successful man, I'm sure you can find someone to be a true companion or partner to you (if that's what you want). Otherwise, you may want to change up how you hire (fewer regulars or clearer boundaries) so you don't get hurt again. 

I wish you a peaceful resolution to this. 

[Rudynate]

On 6/20/2024 at 1:40 PM, DGHou said:

I'm fairly new here but have commented under a couple of other topics about a provider around whom I let my guard down and fell for him. A couple of months ago told me he was moving to Hawaii to be the third with a couple that had been together 20 years, married for 10.  My heart has been pretty broken but I am working my way through it.

Part of what has helped has been all the guys here commenting on my situation, supporting me and helping to open my eyes to the fact that, no matter how passionate he was when we were together, whether in bed or not, it is a job for him and mostly, if not all, about the money.  The guys he is with are putting a roof over his head, feeding him, taking him island hopping, beach, sailboat rides, dinners out, etc.  So while they are not putting money directly in his hands they are paying for his sexual encounters.  I have been trying to figure out how I let my guard down and why all of this hurts. Just this morning a thought came to me about this situation and I would like some feedback from both clients and providers.

Before he made the move he went to visit HI a time or two and when he came back he would always contact me.  Each time he looked so much better: healthier and happier than before.  He struggles with some depression issues like I do and there have been several times in the past he would contact me and we would just talk.  He shared the couples' names, the story of when they first hired him a couple of years ago, showed me pictures of them. When he left I asked him to stay in touch and let me know how his life is going.  Hence the boundaries question.

He texts me fairly often sharing pictures of the three of them and a fourth who is a local playmate of the couple's. Pics have been of dinners, the three of them at the beach and on a sailboat ride, etc.  He has told me what a great time he is having and how good the sex is with the 2 or 3 of them and shared some details. He even sent me the location pin with the address where they are living and pictures of the house.  I asked if the couple knows about me and that we are in touch.  No answer from him at all, which I assume means no especially since his texts come in short batches then he's quiet for some time. Maybe he's texting when he has a few private moments?  A few weeks before he was to move one of them was here. He told me he wanted to see me before he moved but couldn't until after a certain date when the other was going back to HI. My guy was to follow in a few days.  We made plans but then he stood me up and ghosted me.  When I finally heard from him the other guy did not leave as planned but waited until they could go to HI together. 

My question is is what he is doing not crossing some boundaries regarding the couple? And why would he share so much with me yet not tell me if the couple knows about me and our communications?  Could he be keeping me "on the line" in case this throuple plus one relationship goes south and he figures I will be here for him?  I know none of you know him, me or the couple but any insight would be appreciated.  While I am 32 years his senior at 65 and they are only 7 and 10 years his senior I'm a caring, successful and pretty decent looking older guy. I am hoping some input from this community might help me move on and my heart to heal.  Thanks, guys 😊

You asked him to stay in touch, and that is what he is doing.  You could tell him you don't need details of what his new relationship is like or that you would rather not hear from him at all.  You aren't anywhere close to being powerless in this situation.  It seems like you are clinging to what once was, and I don't blame you. It sounds like you had a great relationship with him.  But what once was is no more.

[DGHou]

Just to pop in a new tidbit. Provider has moved in with a friend because "things got complicated" with the couple.  I'm like No Shit!

He said the one half of the couple he fell in love with and said loved him tells him everyday how miserable he is in his marriage and without said provider in his life. My only reply was that this guy is having his cake an eating it too. Has a partner of 20 years, married for 10, and at this point things a dull but he keeps talking to and having sex with you.  Nice set up if you can get it.

My emotions over this are kind of strange. In a way I am glad it seems to be falling apart for him. But I also hurt a little for him bc he is a very kind, trusting, cute, hung, unpretentious and passionate who uprooted himself to move in with them. At one time I thought if it fell apart and he returned I'd be happy. But now, tbh, the sexual desire to be with him has waned.

[Luv2play]

5 hours ago, DGHou said:

Just to pop in a new tidbit. Provider has moved in with a friend because "things got complicated" with the couple.  I'm like No Shit!

He said the one half of the couple he fell in love with and said loved him tells him everyday how miserable he is in his marriage and without said provider in his life. My only reply was that this guy is having his cake an eating it too. Has a partner of 20 years, married for 10, and at this point things a dull but he keeps talking to and having sex with you.  Nice set up if you can get it.

My emotions over this are kind of strange. In a way I am glad it seems to be falling apart for him. But I also hurt a little for him bc he is a very kind, trusting, cute, hung, unpretentious and passionate who uprooted himself to move in with them. At one time I thought if it fell apart and he returned I'd be happy. But now, tbh, the sexual desire to be with him has waned.

Throuples are inherently unstable imo and tend to fall apart because of jealousy or feeling neglected at some point. When the music stops he will probably have to come back as someone has to pay the bills. 
You will then have to decide whether to pick up with him again. At least it makes life interesting.

[pubic_assistance]

On 6/20/2024 at 9:26 PM, JamesB said:

therapist or counselor can provide guidance and strategies for coping with your emotions.

^ THIS ^

[DGHou]

On 7/15/2024 at 8:39 PM, pubic_assistance said:

^ THIS ^

Yes I am working with one.  

Things are much calmer for me now anyway. I am coming to grips with all of this and I am stepping through the tunnel to the light that is there.

Thanks to all :-)

[dbar123]

Move on. It almost sounds like he is setting you up for a future scam.