So I was fired as a client today

[Guest Casual]

I had some errands near a provider I used to see and also some shoulder pain, so I thought I'd check in with him for a massage.  

I texted him and a few minutes later he texted back saying he didn't think it would be a good idea for him to take my appointment.  He asked if I could find someone else.

I told him that was fine and offered apologies if I had caused him any distress. 

He said I didn't do anything wrong and had nothing to apologize for.  He said we're just not a good fit and he thanked me for being his client up to that point.  

I'm not sure what happened.  My hygiene is impeccable.  I put a lot of time into making sure the provider is not going to have a bad or awkward time with me.  I never tried to touch him or suggest anything.  I tip well.  Maybe I talk too much?  I do talk some but it's usually questions about the provider and then listening to them.  I don't talk about myself.  I don't know.  Anyway, I'm not identifying him because I hope he'll continue to be successful and I don't want to harm his business (it's not Sky's Touch).  Has this ever happened to you?

[starman05]

More or less. I got a little (okay, a lot) attached to a guy when I was in the process of coming out; a massage was a safe way to feel nurtured. It shouldn't have gone further than that.

Though, in fairness to me, he shouldn't have slapped on a condom and fucked me so passionately, tenderly and beautifully.

To him, it was a casual fuck. To me, it meant feeling safe and cared for at a time when I needed it. 

The lines blurred. There was a lot of other shit. I walked away. Years passed and I called to wish him a happy holiday -- to my shock, he called back and said we should get together (as pals). I said sure but hoped he'd never follow up. He didn't. 

This is far from your situation. I would just try to move on quickly if you can. Tell yourself it has nothing to do with you -- and it doesn't. He's going through something that you're not meant to be a part of. 

Find another regular. Lots of fish in the ocean. 

 

 

[d.anders]

14 minutes ago, Casual said:

I put a lot of time into making sure the provider is not going to have a bad or awkward time with me.

Sounds like a red flag to me.

[pubic_assistance]

14 minutes ago, Casual said:

I'm not sure what happened. 

And you probably never will.

I remember when I was younger and going on dates. Sometimes I'd think the date went well...but the girl I was with didn't. You just never know what's going through someone's mind, and why they reject you.

 

[Guest Casual]

I just mean I'm very clean.  My breath is good.  My nose is clear.  I take an allergy pill.  I take a gas pill.  I don't eat for several hours beforehand.  My nails are trim.  Stuff like that.  What do you mean?  How is that a red flag?

[Simon Suraci]

Speculation about why is a fools errand. I would let it go and move on. It’s probably best you DON’T know why. At best, it doesn’t concern you, and not really your business. At worst, it could be something you’re better off not hearing.

[starman05]

Just now, Casual said:

I just mean I'm very clean.  My breath is good.  My nose is clear.  I take an allergy pill.  I take a gas pill.  I don't eat for several hours beforehand.  My nails are trim.  Stuff like that.  What do you mean?  How is that a red flag?

Casual, there won't be some clear answers here. One person's being professional and considerate is another person's trying too hard. 

I never thought I'd get to the point where I'd think 'oh, geez, don't call back' with the guy I was hung up on. It can take years and years, but you move on. I would block the provider's number (screen grab some key conversations if you feel you should) and unfollow on any social.

I wish someone had given this advice to me years ago. I try to do that now. I can see old patterns forming and I cut things off before they take a wrong turn. 

[starman05]

Just now, Simon Suraci said:

Speculation about why is a fools errand. I would let it go and move on. It’s probably best you DON’T know why. At best, it doesn’t concern you, and not really your business. At worst, it could be something you’re better off not hearing.

THIS!

[d.anders]

1 minute ago, Simon Suraci said:

Speculation about why is a fools errand. I would let it go and move on.

+1

[Guest Casual]

Thank you for your insights.  It's not upsetting for me so much as it's a mystery.  I wasn't emotionally attached to him (or any provider).  It was just unexpected.

Edited July 16 by Casual

[starman05]

Another time I got hung up on a trainer; he called me buddy, stretched me, appeared gay friendly (closeted guys can be that way) and I was making progress with my physique. He was the perfect buffer between me and assholes on the gym floor. Or so I thought. 

He had to be heaven sent! More like Hades, he turned out to be raging narcissist and I spent way too much time trying to convince him that I deserved to be treated like a human being.

A shrink kept telling me there are other trainers out there. I got STUCK. Happy ending: he's out of my life, I blocked him and, sadly, a few mutual acquaintances just to be safe. I have a new trainer now and I keep my distance and am in the best shape of my life. 

 

[d.anders]

6 minutes ago, Casual said:

What do you mean?  How is that a red flag?

In all the years that I've been getting a massage (including the HE kind), the words "bad or awkward time" never entered my realm of thinking. I'm a customer paying for a service. The service provider is being paid to service me, not the other way around. I've never been cancelled, but I suppose if I had been, I would say no problem, unless I really loved the guy's talent. Then I would want to know why, understanding that he may choose not to tell me. Oh well, such is life.

[Guest Casual]

I’m probably just more insecure than you. I just think “they’re a human being too and they’re sharing time with me. My hope is that I’ll be welcome back.”  I do a lot of the same (obviously not all) things before I go to the dentist or eye doctor or anyone else that will be close to me.

 

I’ve had a couple of really nice private messages that make we realize a need to clarify that this was purely therapeutic.  The CA state licensure board representative could have been in the room with us and his license would have been fine.   And I wasn’t emotionally attached to him.  It is like if your dentist suddenly said they couldn’t be your dentist anymore. 
 

anyway, thank you for the thoughtful replies.  I appreciate you. 

Edited July 17 by Casual

[maninsoma]

Given everything you've written, it really does sound like his decision is not about you but rather about him.  Just move on and don't give it another thought.

[Daniel84]

I have amazing clients but I had one client that he became extremely possessive, controlling, and even tried to break up my marriage. It got to a point where I actually was forced to move and  delete my Facebook that I had since Facebook came out.. 

It's very scary but it was also partly my fault I tend to overshare and I generally did like the guy he was a very nice guy. 

Now I know what red flags to watch for and if I feel like a client is getting too attached I do back away a bit. 

[d.anders]

3 hours ago, Casual said:

I’m probably just more insecure than you.

Everyone has their insecurities about something. Mine aren't with getting services I need and want. Some gay guys do not handle insecure men well. I've learned the hard way, it's far better to project confidence, especially when you're falling apart on the inside, or worried to death you might not be liked or enjoyed.

[Spikeguy]

Maybe you remind him of an ex or someone else in his past and he finds that upsetting.  I wouldn’t assume it’s anything you did or didn’t do.

[PhileasFogg]

I had one provider turn me down because he felt I needed something a little more therapeutic than his skill set offered.  
He preferred that I purchase other offerings on his menu.   On that day, he was probably right. 

[wanderlust307]

I think you overthink 😅

By the way, for your pain, go see an orthopedic surgeon or a physiotherapist. Not a masseur/escort who can potentially do more harm than good.  

[Monarchy79]

7 hours ago, d.anders said:Some gay guys do not handle insecure men well. I've learned the hard way, it's far better to project confidence, especially when you're falling apart on the inside, or worried to death you might not be liked or enjoyed.

I 100% agree. 
Because many gay men are plagued with insecurity, the first (and easiest) method of handling it, is to deflect and transfer that trauma to someone else. The moment an already insecure guy sees a more vulnerable guy who is available to transfer the trauma to, he will definitely take the opportunity to expose and humiliate him, in order to take the attention off of himself. 

Very wise of you to advise the benefits of projecting confidence. 
 

 

[d.anders]

1 hour ago, Monarchy79 said:

many gay men are plagued with insecurity

Some of them behave in the most peculiar way when dealing with others. It happens. I try to sympathize. Not every gay guy is comfortable in his own skin. Unless shared, we can never know someone's trauma.

Massage, especially HE massage, is a very personal business. No other business is so intimate and revealing. Vulnerable to the extreme. Anticipation combined with being horny can turn a guy into someone he wouldn't recognize if captured on film.

I will never forget my first HE massage. It was a surprise to me. I wasn't horny or looking for sex, but the masseur went for it anyway. He had a lot of fun working me over and up, but I couldn't orgasm, and he really wanted me to orgasm. He worked himself into a full blown sweaty mess, and I finally gave him what he wanted. I'm sure when all was said and done, he was happy to never see me again.

[LookingAround]

Providers aren't in the business of firing clients for no reason. Can you take your best guess what happened that prompted him to react this way? 

[Guest Casual]

I decided I might talk too much. But I don’t think I said anything offensive.  That’s all I could come up with.  Other people in the thread speculated about other possibilities.  

Again, this wasn’t upsetting for me - just unexpected.  There was no sexual or emotional entanglement between us.  

I appreciate everyone’s feedback. 

[rvwnsd]

11 hours ago, wanderlust307 said:

By the way, for your pain, go see an orthopedic surgeon or a physiotherapist. Not a masseur/escort who can potentially do more harm than good.  

THIS!

A couple of years ago I messed up my back and went for a massage. He refused and instructed me to see my doctor and get some physical therapy. Sure enough, the doc sent me for 12 weeks of PT.

[+ augustus]

20 hours ago, Casual said:

I do talk some but it's usually questions about the provider and then listening to them. 

That's it.  Most providers don't like getting personal with their clients.  They are just in it for the money.

Edited July 17 by augustus