Help with my alternative lifestyle personal assistant's kid

[seaboy4hire]

So I'm chattin it up online with my hag who lives in St Louis and she drops the bomb on me that her 10 yr old son is gay, or so he says. She told him that I was going to be out there in Nov and that if he had any questions to ask me. I told her I wouldn't answer any sexual questions and she said she didn't expect me too and that she would handle those. I told her good cause I'd just tell him to google it LOL. But so I don't really know what to say to the kid. I mean at 10 i guess I knew I was gay but didn't really know what it was at the time. Things are so different now that I don't know what kids know about stuff. HELP?!?!

 

Hugs,

Greg

[Lookin]

Small world . . .

 

Funny, my friend's son told her the same thing last year when he was twelve. As far as I know, he hasn't had any kind of infatuation with a boy or a girl. He's all about baseball right now.

 

My guess is your friend's son is at the age when he and his friends start thinking about and talking about sex, and these days the gay option is on the table in a way that it wasn't a generation ago. In some groups, I understand that it's fashionable to identify as gay. Whether it lasts or not is another story.

 

Unless you hear otherwise, I'd chalk it up to the typical pre-pubescent wondering about all things sexual, and expect to see him go from one phase to another before settling in to a lasting preference. It's not like he has to make any decisions within the next six months.

 

If he hasn't forgotten all about it by the time he sees you, and really does want to ask you some questions, I'd suggest answering them to the best of your ability. You don't have to answer any more questions than he asks, you don't have to read any prepared remarks, and you don't have to be an advocate for either gay or straight.

 

You might also ask him if there's a reason why he needs to decide now, rather than just hang out with a bunch of different people and see how it goes.

 

If you don't feel comfortable getting into the discussion at all, just tell your friend so. But my hunch is he'll be on to something else by November.

 

Good luck!

[Rick Munroe]

You might also ask him if there's a reason why he needs to decide now, rather than just hang out with a bunch of different people and see how it goes.

 

But people don't decide to be gay or straight. You're either gay or you're not (or you're bi). I didn't see where the mother said the boy needed to make a decision; it seems the kid just knows he's gay, as many do (and I did) at that age. If this 10-year-old boy had a girlfriend and announced that he likes girls, would you also say it was probably just a phase and that he'd be onto something else in a few months and that he should hang out with a bunch of different people and see how it goes? Or would you just accept the natural fact that the kid is straight? My guess is that most people would just accept that the kid is straight. So, why not just accept that this kid is gay and give him whatever advice and support he needs?

 

Greg, I would suggest that your friend consider joining or contacting PFLAG...they might have the right resources she'd need to help him deal with any issues that arise (bad pun) and get you off the hook somewhat.

 

P.S. This reminds me of the Mary Tyler Moore episode where Phyllis asks Mary to explain the facts of life to her daughter Bess...who, it turns out, already knew the facts all along.

[KMEM]

I didn't know my sexual orientation at age 10. Not to put words into L's mouth, but I doubt he meant choosing to be gay or straight but trying to decide how he really "was" after experiencing life and his own body for a while longer.

 

I think most of us did things that the "crowd" did at those young ages but going along to get along does not completely delineate one's whole life, does it?

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[Guest Merlin]

I am not convinced that anyone can know that he is gay prior to puberty. No one knows what causes some to be gay and it is likely that there is more than one cause. Preferences, such as blondes vs brunettes, boobs vs legs,etc are probably formed near puberty. Gay v Straight is certainly more than a preference, and I am not calling it a preference. BUT it is still possible that for some, sexual orientation, gay vs straight, is something which can be influenced or altered prior to or at puberty. Don't screetch at me, it is something which cannot be ruled out until it is known what does determine orientation.

I would suggest that you suggest to your friend that she spend the bucks for several sessions with a psychologist, to help the boy sort out his feelings. Not to change his orientation, but to help him decide what his is. Most gays go through a period of anguish and confusion, realizing that his "discovery" would alienate him from many of his friends etc.

[Lookin]

If this 10-year-old boy had a girlfriend and announced that he likes girls, would you also say it was probably just a phase and that he'd be onto something else in a few months and that he should hang out with a bunch of different people and see how it goes?

Sure, if his mother brought it up and wanted me to talk to him about it.

 

As KMEM said, to me ten seems a little early to settle in to a permanent sexual identity, but it's just an opinion that I shared with Greg, having had a similar discussion with a friend recently. I don't have strong enough feelings about it to say that every kid does or doesn't know his sexual identity by the age of ten.

 

As you do, perhaps Greg will give you his friend's phone number, and you can talk to the boy. http://files.myopera.com/JagsTreehouse/albums/231041/ztalking%20on%20phone%20smiley.gif

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

One more vegetable for the stew....

 

I am not convinced that anyone can know that he is gay prior to puberty.

 

Can't agree with you on this, Merlin2. What about all those hours that I spent surreptitiously perusing the men's underwear and bathing suit sections of the Sears (and also Simpson's and Eaton's here in Canada) seasonal catalogues? Long before puberty.

 

Likewise, my crush on Rock Hudson(and several others).

 

 

 

While my child-rearing experience is limited at best, I think Rick's advice

 

So, why not just accept that this kid is gay and give him whatever advice and support he needs?

 

is bang on and gets to the crux of the matter. By letting the boy exhibit that his feelings are not cause for panic on anyone's part (least of all his) it encourages him to maintain honest and inclusive dialogue with the parent...which in the long-run helps demonstrate to him the inclusive and patient properties of love.

 

Maintaining an open, unthreatening dialogue is critical....no matter how the boy is or perceives himself today, or if that changes tomorrow....if the mother wants to encourage a meaningful/inclusive long-term relationship with her son. Whether he is gay or straight. Or thinks himself to be. Or is going through a phase.

 

I hope this doesn't read as a suggestion to be-little the boy's pronouncement, but it's a great opportunity to point out that his being gay (or not) is but one element of his ENTIRE being, and that his happiness in life will also depend on other aspects of his still-developing character.

 

 

I second Rick's suggestion to utilize any and all materials that PFLAG has available. No need to re-invent the wheel when there are others who have grappled with, dealt with, and can offer great advice on their meaningful experience.

 

Good luck with this one, Greg. I think it's great that she's asked you.

[seaboy4hire]

Thanks for mentioning PFLAG. I think it might be a wee early for that but I will remind my friend about it. Knowing her & she being a smart cookie she's probably already looked them up. When Kam told his mom she didn't freak out. She told him no matter what she still loved him & all that mushy mommy stuff. I don't want to tell him this is a phase because one, I had people tell me that it was a phase & I was 17! Two like some have stated & it includes myself I knew at a very young age that I liked boys so maybe he does to. Kids these days seem to know so much more then I did when I was there age it's scarey. His mom wants me to reassure that being gay is ok & to let him know of the good & bad things that I experienced growing up & what to expect as an adult. I think the adult experience stuff I'll leave out since he is 10 & has a good while till he reaches that point in his life. I do have to say that I'm honored that shed want me to talk to the kid & as some said mentor him. I think it's cool that if he has questions he has a safe place to go to & get real honest answers. But I do have to say, I'm SCARED SHITLESS!

 

Hugs,

Greg

[Guest Merlin]

Remember, Duchess, that it at least possible that your gay orientation RESULTED from your early interest in and admiration for males.

 

It does seem clearly that preferences (gayness not a preference) are shaped at that early age. If you were early attracted to muscular men, or twinks, or blonds, or hairy men, those preferences are likely to stay with you.

There is also evidence that fetished and dangerous perversions develop at that age. Dahmer, for instance, and other killers, started with an early fascination of hurting animals. NO, it not the same, so don't twist what I am saying. The fascination with women's feet and shoes, probably also develops at near puberty.

 

Gay orientation does not necessarily always result from the same cause, until we do know the causes, at least some of the time it may result from an interest near puberty.

[Rick Munroe]

As KMEM said, to me ten seems a little early to settle in to a permanent sexual identity

 

My point was that you (and most people) would not question it if the child announced he was straight. Would you really tell him it might just be a phase and that next month he might like boys? If so, OK, that's very cool.

 

perhaps Greg will give you his friend's phone number, and you can talk to the boy.

 

No, thanks. I hate all kids that aren't related to me (and even then, I can only take a few hours).

[Rick Munroe]

Good luck with this one, Greg. I think it's great that she's asked you.

 

I think so, too. Great post, Duchess. And btw, I LOL at your corny groaners.

[+ Charlie]

I recognized that I was gay when I was 13; a friend of mine insists he didn't realize he was gay until he was in his 60s. The kid may think he is gay because he prefers the company of other boys (not unnatural at 10), or because he enjoys some activity that is stereotyped as "gay" (e.g., dancing), or because he has had some sort of sexual experience with other boys (also not unnatural at that age--mutual masturbation, dry humping, etc.), or because he is sexually and/or emotionally attracted to boys and will continue to be so (i.e., yes, he's really gay). It seems to me that it would make sense to explore with him why he thinks he's gay before taking it for granted that he is and giving him advice about it.

[alanalt]

Charlei makes some good points above. For my part, I think unless and until we know more about why the kid thinks he's gay, speculating on whether he really is gay falls into the 'how many angels can dance on pinheads' category...

 

Though from Greg's posts on here, I doubt he could find a better 'mentor' or source of information about what it means to be gay!

 

Alan

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Clarification...

 

Remember, Duchess, that it at least possible that your gay orientation RESULTED from your early interest in and admiration for males.

 

I'm not sure of your point here, Merlin2.

Are you saying that I could only truly know that I was gay after puberty and could act on the sexual inclination? (Any particular marker to let me know of my right of passage? An erection? Ejaculation? Kiss?)

And so that is the same of all kids? They don't really know that they are straight until they pass that same particular marker? And that their straight orientation RESULTED from their early interest in and admiration for the opposite sex?

 

It does seem clearly that preferences (gayness not a preference) are shaped at that early age. If you were early attracted to muscular men, or twinks, or blonds, or hairy men, those preferences are likely to stay with you.

There is also evidence that fetished and dangerous perversions develop at that age. Dahmer, for instance, and other killers, started with an early fascination of hurting animals. NO, it not the same, so don't twist what I am saying. The fascination with women's feet and shoes, probably also develops at near puberty.

 

I'm missing the link between the question about orientation to fetishes and dangerous perversions. Is it just that all these questions can arise at the same time in a child's life, so if a child professes to be straight or gay or likes to hurt animals or has an unusual fascination with shoes we should be on high alert? For any or all of these?

Again, I'm not seeing your point and I hope I'm not being thick.

 

 

Gay orientation does not necessarily always result from the same cause, until we do know the causes, at least some of the time it may result from an interest near puberty.

 

So I ask: And so?

If gay orientation, at least some of the time, results from an interest near puberty, are you suggesting there are some actual straight kids trying to be gay, and to save them from themselves, we should discourage any and all expressed interest at puberty?

 

I AM interested in your point of view, Merlin2, and hope you will respond so I can better understand your thoughts.

:o

[Lookin]

My point was that you (and most people) would not question it if the child announced he was straight. Would you really tell him it might just be a phase and that next month he might like boys?

 

You betcha, if his mother was concerned, and asked me to talk to him because she thought I might have some insight that could help her son. My point, which I seem to be having some difficulty making, is that kids that age sometimes have all kinds of questions regarding sexuality, and that what they feel at ten may not be what they feel at eleven. Or twelve.

 

I'd encourage him and his mother not to get locked into a label at that age, unless there's a reason to. If it is really a big deal for the kid, then I think your suggestion of letting him talk to some experts is a very good one. If it's not a big deal, then I wouldn't want to make it one.

 

My friend told her son that whatever he was would be fine with her, and she'd love him without question. Apparently, that's what he wanted to hear, and now he's got his head wrapped up in baseball.

 

Next year, it may be soccer. He's a good athlete. And a good kid. http://i283.photobucket.com/albums/kk297/photos4words/mf_prop.gif

[Epigonos]

I have the feeling that we are making this situation far more complicated than need be. For centuries children this kids age (10) have approached parents with questions regarding their sexuality and sex in general. Answer the kids questions be kind and don’t elaborate unless he asks that you to do so. There is no reason to get into a profound psychological and physiological discussion – the kid is probably too young. He is most likely to ask BASIC QUESTION give him BASIC ANSWERS and let things rest. Do not make a huge deal out of the situation – RELAX.

[Doug69]

It seems to me that it would make sense to explore with him why he thinks he's gay before taking it for granted that he is and giving him advice about it.

 

Why are you treating "being gay" as an affliction? I have to agree with Munroe that nobody would be suggesting that anybody "explore why he thinks he's straight" if this little boy expressed a desire for girls. It would just be accepted. Why not do the same for gay kids?

[Guest greatness]

Aww

 

You are so sweet in trying to prepare yourself to give good pieces of advice to your friend's child. I think that is the most important thing. We don't have all the answers regarding ourselves and sexuality, but your sincereness to listen and taking this issue seriously are what that kid really needs. Your friend is so lucky to have you as a friend.

 

I think it's cool that if he has questions he has a safe place to go to & get real honest answers. But I do have to say, I'm SCARED SHITLESS!

 

Hugs,

Greg

[+ Charlie]

Doug, where did I say being gay was an "affliction"? I don't believe that at all--it certainly wasn't so for me. I just pointed out that when a ten year old says he's "gay", it might be useful to find out why he thinks that before automatically assuming he even knows for sure what the label means. Children often have confused and misleading ideas about the meaning of terms used by adults, especially in areas like sexual behavior, in which they have little experience. If he explains what he means, then it's time to give him advice that's appropriate to what he actually means, including how to manage his feelings if he really does appear to be "gay" in our sense of the word.

[+ Lucky]

Why are you treating "being gay" as an affliction? I have to agree with Munroe that nobody would be suggesting that anybody "explore why he thinks he's straight" if this little boy expressed a desire for girls. It would just be accepted. Why not do the same for gay kids?

 

 

How interesting that Doug comes out of wherever he hides to support "Munroe." It's okay, Doug, Rick was handling things just fine. How are you two getting along these days?

[Guest Merlin]

Duchess, we don't know why people become gay, and it is not necessarily the same cause. But we know that during puberty people have attractions or interests which become associated with sex, and which therefore become part of their sexual attraction: blonds, hairy guys, feet, etc, and rarely, such things as curelty to animals. I remember a program on TV of a tribe in which the women wear large disks in their ear lobes. The program said that the men considered them very attractive and a woman without them would have little chance of marriage. So apparantly as the boys reach puberty, the women around them have the discs and that becomes part of their attraction.

We cannot rule out the possibility that at puberty some boys begin to feel sex and, seeing men and boys and, having male friends, associate them with the sexual feelings rather than women. If so, counseling at that point might make a difference. And let's face it many, if not most, young gays would prefer to have the chance of a more conventional life, with wife and children etc. Suicide among young gays is still all to common. Most gays adjust to it and live good lives, but not with out some sacrifice.

Before accepting that a 10 year old is gay, one would like to know what his definition is. Does he think that because he played doctor with a male friend, it makes him gay?

[+ Lucky]

It seems apparent to me from many of his posts that merlin himself doesn't like being gay- and that explains a lot of what he say around here.

[Rick Munroe]

It's okay, Doug, Rick was handling things just fine.

 

Thanks for the stroke!

[Rick Munroe]

when a ten year old says he's "gay", it might be useful to find out why he thinks that

 

Should we also do that for 10-year-olds who declare that they are straight?

[Rick Munroe]

And let's face it many, if not most, young gays would prefer to have the chance of a more conventional life, with wife and children etc.

 

They've always been able to have wives...it's called "the closet." As for having kids, many gay couples do so now and lead so-called "conventional" lives.