Guest countryboywny Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 There was a bit of confusion at Ace Hardware this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gunpowder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to the Detroit Morning News about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking had finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooper Posted February 7, 2013 Share Posted February 7, 2013 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 8, 2013 Author Share Posted February 8, 2013 Old Timers Thanks to those who posted while I was in the hospital. Here is one from the vaults: The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation .And, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.... Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted February 15, 2013 Share Posted February 15, 2013 This is cute It all started in the Old Testament In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.� Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). That is how it all began. And that's the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 15, 2013 Author Share Posted February 15, 2013 seeing things.... I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend, "That'll be us in ten years. He looked at me, sighed and said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 22, 2013 Author Share Posted February 22, 2013 Payback One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and Hair all matted down... We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her so we named her 'Pussycat.' The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, 'OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks.' He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls The vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word On this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, Who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The GP's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see The doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen My husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, 'Your Wife's' pussy doesn't stink any more. We washed and Shaved it, and now she smells like a rose! Oh, and, by the way, she's pregnant! God only knows who the father is!' Then he closed the door. The silence was deafening. Now THAT, my friends, is called PAY BACK! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steven_Draker Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 Here's one to cheer you up, Jack A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE ." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY," AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO." -------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted February 24, 2013 Author Share Posted February 24, 2013 the right prescription Thanks Steve, That Blonde Rx made the hurt go away. Enjoyed it. Jack Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Slater Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." Which one does he decide to marry? The one with the biggest tits. Kevin Slater Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 1, 2013 Author Share Posted March 1, 2013 So it goes.... Balls: AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And . . . 6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF. THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigvalboy Posted March 1, 2013 Share Posted March 1, 2013 lol... Loved this one...And so appropriate with the deadlock we seem to have right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cooper Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/6558/popet.jpg Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigvalboy Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/6558/popet.jpg cute...very cute, loved it!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ azdr0710 Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 http://img593.imageshack.us/img593/6558/popet.jpg the look on the baseball player's face is perfect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bosguy Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 the look on the baseball player's face is perfect Great. The sad part is that the "cardinals" guy could be the best choice Boston Bill Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 8, 2013 Author Share Posted March 8, 2013 Can't stop the music..... I was in Star Buck`s recently when I suddenly realized I really needed to fart, BIG TIME. The music was really loud so I timed my fart with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me… And suddenly I remembered I was listening to my iPod Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edjames Posted March 10, 2013 Share Posted March 10, 2013 A widowed Jewish lady, in good shape, was sunbathing on a deserted beach in Boca Raton , Florida .. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely, she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked. "Yes, I live over in Coral Springs " he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted? The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 15, 2013 Author Share Posted March 15, 2013 Going paperless?.......... This week's funny is a video about a paperless society. Enjoy.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edjames Posted March 15, 2013 Share Posted March 15, 2013 Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, 'I think Sal is dead! What should I do?' The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, 'Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence. And then a gun shot is heard. Vinny's voice comes back on the line, 'Okay... Now what? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest countryboywny Posted March 20, 2013 Share Posted March 20, 2013 An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolate. Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 22, 2013 Author Share Posted March 22, 2013 Would you ike a little Colbert on that salad? Guys, my cousin's husband sent this to me and I thought it was pretty funny. Hope you think so too. perhaps you saw this...... http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edjames Posted March 29, 2013 Share Posted March 29, 2013 A friend of mine has just told me he's banging his girlfriend AND her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a mustache." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ purplekow Posted March 30, 2013 Share Posted March 30, 2013 Guys, my cousin's husband sent this to me and I thought it was pretty funny. Hope you think so too. perhaps you saw this...... http://www.youtube.com/embed/vhnLk3TJWFY?rel=0 i wish you had posted the entire bit This part was very funny and of course when the actor breaks up that adds to the fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackhammer91406 Posted March 31, 2013 Author Share Posted March 31, 2013 Sadly that's all I have. If there is more, hopefully someone will post it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
+ Robster Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I can't post the video, but the whole clip is at this link: http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/393971/august-04-2011/colbert-super-pac---the-heroes-respond And it's hilarious! I love Stephen Colbert. Rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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