Gay men and aging : Finding your purpose

[marylander1940]

It might be partly that a great swath of gay men were exterminated in the not to distant past by AIDS and related complications. Men getting old now have fewer peers to relate to.

 

I was on a relationship during the 80's, if it hadn't been for that I would have died of AIDS. I'm sure about that.

 

I had a friends who lived in San Francisco who saw areas of the Castro with a very high mortality rate, there were signs looking for roommates all over the place.

[Gymowner]

Kenny I said my feelings are my feelings. I dont understand your comments. When did I inject the word gross? That was your injection into the mix. You use the words weird and gross. You are offended for what reasons I have no idea.

[Rudynate]

It seems to me gay men struggle with getting older more than other men. Why is that?

 

Too much time on their hands.

[P Gren]

Too much time on their hands.

that applies to both gay and straight

[bigvalboy]

I hate what age is doing to my health, my body and my looks. But I am totally opposed to the alternative of ending it because I am no longer young and beautiful ( If indeed, I ever was beautiful!)

 

I fight mentally to stay "young," "interested," "interesting" and sometimes it is easier than other times. Yes, I am attracted to young beautiful men. So, fortunately, I am able to buy them. The best of them even convince me that I am attractive to them. At least for the short term.

 

It has been my experience that all too many gay men define themselves by their looks. That is sad to me because they are missing out on all of the benefits of age....and there are many! Experience, empathy, more money to enjoy life, a wealth of friends and even the ability to buy affection and orgasms.

 

I feel differently about aging. I generally find life exciting, interesting and funny, but mostly I find myself to be very grateful. I have no illusions about my age or looks. I too am attracted to young beautiful men, but for myself, engaging with young men is a business arrangement...period. They are selling a product, and I'm buying. They can tell me anything they want over dinner and drinks, or when we're out and about. I don't take any of it too seriously, because on any other given night, they most likely would not call unless there is COD....

 

For myself, in many respects, it is the perfect relationship, they make me happy and I make them happy, and I get to live my life as I see fit. I laugh more than I cry, and I'm happy more than I am sad. It's all a blessing...

[Rudynate]

that applies to both gay and straight

 

No, straight folks have children and family to keep them from looking in the mirror too much.

[P Gren]

No, straight folks have children and family to keep them from looking in the mirror too much.

lots of gay men have kids. so do you think gay men do have more trouble with aging than straight men? and that it just results from more (stereotyped) family structures

[Rudynate]

lots of gay men have kids. so do you think gay men do have more trouble with aging than straight men? and that it just results from more (stereotyped) family structures

 

I don't agree that lots of gay men have kids. It's certainly more common than it once was but I'm willing to bet that more don't than do have children. It's a common belief that gay men have problems with aging, but maybe it isn't true. It could just be another negative stereotype that gay men voluntarily oppress themselves with.

 

A long time ago, when my sibs and I were looking for a new living arrangement for my father, I visited an assisted living facility with him. The social worker had arranged for us to meet two of the residents. One was a man who was probably gay - he was retired and had spent his career in retail. We had lunch with the two guys and all the way through, I kept thinking "What a way for a gay guy to spend his golden years."

[P Gren]

I don't agree that lots of gay men have kids. It's certainly more common than it once was but I'm willing to bet that more don't than do have children. It's a common belief that gay men have problems with aging, but maybe it isn't true. It could just be another negative stereotype that gay men voluntarily oppress themselves with.

 

A long time ago, when my sibs and I were looking for a new living arrangement for my father, I visited an assisted living facility with him. The social worker had arranged for us to meet two of the residents. One was a man who was probably gay - he was retired and had spent his career in retail. We had lunch with the two guys and all the way through, I kept thinking "What a way for a gay guy to spend his golden years."

Between having kids and coming out later in life, and/or adoption and/or various other ways, there are lots of gay men with kids - but let's not quibble about that, just different experiences talking I expect. As a gay dad I run into gay dads all the time.

The common belief part was what I was wondering about, do gay men really have more problems with aging than straight men - and why - or is it just a negative stereotype as you mention?

Lots of discussion locally about the need for gay and lesbian retirement homes, the lavender-grey wave. With a much higher percentage of women than men in assisted living and/or care homes, maybe this is more of a gay concern than a lesbian one.

[Rudynate]

Between having kids and coming out later in life, and/or adoption and/or various other ways, there are lots of gay men with kids - but let's not quibble about that, just different experiences talking I expect. As a gay dad I run into gay dads all the time.

The common belief part was what I was wondering about, do gay men really have more problems with aging than straight men - and why - or is it just a negative stereotype as you mention?

Lots of discussion locally about the need for gay and lesbian retirement homes, the lavender-grey wave. With a much higher percentage of women than men in assisted living and/or care homes, maybe this is more of a gay concern than a lesbian one.

 

I have a friend who is in his mid eighties. His net worth is fairly substantial. He just isn't interested in the institutional alternative. He could afford the best elder housing money can buy. He has neuropathy from HIV meds and is very mobility-impaired. He lives on the top floor of an old San Francisco Victorian. He drags himself up and down several flights of stairs every time he leaves his house. But he does it willingly. Won't hear of assisted living or elder housing. He loves to go to recitals, film festivals, travels a fair amount, enjoys good restaurants.

[+ sniper]

If you have that kind of money it's easier to bring any needed help in. Why be one of ten people an aide is looking out for when you can have one person dealing only with you? And the price is about the same...

[+ FreshFluff]

The biggest thing that straight men have going for them is that women care a lot less about looks and youth and a lot more about the family.

 

As for family units, it's not exactly unknown for straight men to walk away--and barely keep in touch with their children--when they feel that their sexual needs would be better met elsewhere or are just unsatisfied with the situation. Once men leave and discover a new, exciting life as a single man, their former wives often have to beg them to see their children.

Edited September 18, 2018 by FreshFluff

[Kenny]

Kenny I said my feelings are my feelings. I dont understand your comments. When did I inject the word gross? That was your injection into the mix. You use the words weird and gross. You are offended for what reasons I have no idea.

No, you didn’t use the word gross. You said you found men over 45 to be unattractive (“back hair, bald, wrinkles, age spots”). That’s weird — and I’m over 45.

 

http://tommyandalan.com/men-over-50/

[Rudynate]

No, you didn’t use the word gross. You said you found men over 45 to be unattractive (“back hair, bald, wrinkles, age spots”). That’s weird — and I’m over 45.

 

http://tommyandalan.com/men-over-50/

 

 

back hair, age spots, balding, wrinkles - I like it all.

[Gymowner]

well there ya go... different strokes for different folks!!!! god bless!

[coriolis888]

 

I hate what age is doing to my health, my body and my looks. But I am totally opposed to the alternative of ending it because I am no longer young and beautiful ( If indeed, I ever was beautiful!)

 

I fight mentally to stay "young," "interested," "interesting" and sometimes it is easier than other times. Yes, I am attracted to young beautiful men. So, fortunately, I am able to buy them. The best of them even convince me that I am attractive to them. At least for the short term.

 

It has been my experience that all too many gay men define themselves by their looks. That is sad to me because they are missing out on all of the benefits of age....and there are many! Experience, empathy, more money to enjoy life, a wealth of friends and even the ability to buy affection and orgasms.

 

 

 

I like your post but I will take the liberty to modify and comment on one sentence of it, only because the modified sentence hits home for me.

 

You wrote - "Experience, empathy, more money to enjoy life, a wealth of friends and even the ability to buy affection and orgasms."

 

Those who are financially fit and active do not always have a "wealth of friends" because many of us lost most of our close friends through death and/or illness.

 

Occasional meet ups with escorts are fun and a temporary escape from boredom, but it is not a substitute for lost friends.

 

Being healthy, wealthy and wise but experiencing the death of close friends is a bitch and there is no doubt about it.

 

Is there a remedy to escape from the boredom caused by the death and illness of close friends?

 

If there is, I have not found it.

Edited September 21, 2018 by coriolis888